Scott Lenz's blog https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/scott-lenz en Back to the Future ... of Parenting https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/scott-lenz/back-to-the-future-of-parenting <div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/tantrum_image_0.jpg" width="600" height="400" alt="grate baby photo" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p style="color: rgb(86, 86, 86); font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal;"><span style="color:#000000;">My daughter Georgia recently had her bat mitzvah, and she wanted me to make her video for the party. I picked out music, slogged through literally thousands of photos – and most fortunately I had the luxury of about 100 hours of home movie footage. Although I wish I had some more professional pictures</span> taken, there's a great <a href="https://www.twinkleportraits.com/">Denver Baby Photographer</a> that specializes in kids' photos but still, I was excited to find the cu<span style="color:#000000;">test and funniest moments of Georgia’s childhood, moments that had long ago receded into the back of my usually cluttered mind.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(86, 86, 86); font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal;"><span style="color:#000000;">I did find several such moments – Georgia tinkering around on the piano, Georgia dressed up in a tutu screaming at me to get out of whatever room she was in – but: what I found most of was footage of her brother Jaron, which made sense because he is three years older. Jaron was a beautiful, bright, curious, and incredibly hyperactive toddler. I definitely remember this being the case before I immersed myself in the home movies, but what I didn’t remember is that I, as a father, was impatient, sarcastic, condescending and often generally an asshole. Don’t get me wrong: I loved Jaron with all of my heart, and I didn’t yell at him or get in his face or anything like that. I just wasn’t very nurturing of his desire to explore or tolerant of his need to explain things to me in very long detail.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(86, 86, 86); font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal;"><span style="color:#000000;">For instance, when I would videotape him doing something, he naturally wanted to take control of the video camera himself, repeating the words “Can I try it, can I try it” over and over and over again. Rather than just letting him take the camera and run with it, I would give it to him, tell him he could have it for a minute, and then micromanage what he shot, like some egotistical Hollywood director. Other times, he would latch himself onto his sister’s crib, gyrating back and forth and singing some crazy, made up tune, along the lines of “Don’t belieb (believe) me but / I got bwain (brain) in my heart!” You kind of had to be there – and I was there, and I would tell him to calm down. And he would. For a little bit. And then he would do it again, and I would tell him to calm down again.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(86, 86, 86); font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal;"><span style="color:#000000;">As the years went on, I would become a full time stay at home dad, and Jaron’s curiosity and sophistication somehow continued to flourish – despite my early missteps. Still, my foray back in time to put together Georgia’s bat mitzvah video gave me a much needed opportunity to examine my flaws as a parent to her brother – which has greatly informed the much more tolerant and less rigid parent that I think I am today.</span></p> </div></div></div> Thu, 01 Jun 2023 20:03:24 +0000 Scott Lenz 45812 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.com https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/scott-lenz/back-to-the-future-of-parenting#comments Effects of Separation on Children https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/scott-lenz/effects-of-separation-on-children <div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/divorce_heart.jpg" width="600" height="480" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><div>The other night, my wife told me - for the second time in 18 months - that she “needs a break,” which is her half-assed way of saying that she wants to separate. There is a long explanation of why we have come to this point, and that is another blog for another web site. With her announcement came all the natural emotions: sadness, frustration, anger, etc. but beyond all of that is the question: how to process this so it will have minimal impact on our kids. My son is 16 and my daughter is 13, which on balance is both a blessing and a curse. The former because - being typical teenagers - they want little to do with my wife and I as it is, so there is not a lot of opportunity for our angst to trickle down to them. And the latter because they are not toddlers, bestowed with joyful oblivion. They are keenly aware that every facial expression, tone of voice and (most pertinent) prolonged silence means something, usually not good. The bad news is that it is nearly impossible to be artificially civil all the time - since any previously innocuous annoyance will now be amplified by the hurt and tension. The good news is that it gives the parents - or at least me personally - the opportunity to bond with the kids about things that we never would have bonded about before: just to serve as a distraction. So now, I will sit with my son in our back house and watch seemingly endless hours of his painfully detailed race car video game, or listen to my daughter extol the virtues of 5 Seconds of Summer, the latest Aussie boy band export. All of this in the name of not having to be in the presence of my wife, which would inevitably lead to misdirected upset and anger if the kids were around us at the time.</div> <div> </div> <div>I don't know what the outcome of this “break” will be: it seems at this point that I simply have to ride out her “need to be alone” (though I can't afford to leave the house, and I personally don't feel like I should be made to leave the house - this is her deal, after all). What I do know is that I will have to be on my toes about what I say and do around the kids, and not project any of the ill will I feel for my wife onto them. I guess, in this sense, it's not any different from any stage of parenting. It just hurts more.</div> </div></div></div> Mon, 19 May 2014 17:24:00 +0000 Scott Lenz 47082 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.com https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/scott-lenz/effects-of-separation-on-children#comments