Tracy Cutchlow's blog https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/tracy-cutchlow en What should your child be doing in preschool? Not sitting around https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/tracy-cutchlow/what-should-your-child-be-doing-in-preschool-not-sitting-around <div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/1_br_a_08052013_cm.jpg" width="382" height="500" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p><meta charset="utf-8" /></p> <p dir="ltr">"Should I hold my son back from kindergarten?" a mom asked me. Her child was at a play-based preschool, and she was worried that he wasn't ready for kindergarten because he didn't know his letters and numbers. The first few school years of a child are essential for their growth and learning. So, it’s not surprising that many parents worry about the quality of teaching and the developmental advancement that their children must gain as they grow.</p> <p dir="ltr">Play-based preschools, I assured her, are the big trend for an important reason: Play is how children learn. It introduces them to different environments and activities that help develop their motor and thinking skills. Furthermore, it allows them to interact with other children and meet new friends. </p> <p dir="ltr">Children may not be memorizing letters and numbers, but they are practicing communication and executive function skills--things that truly set them up for academic success. Hence, it may be an excellent idea to find <a href="https://corp.wonderschool.com/child-care-management">child care management</a> near you and enroll your child. I talk more about how this happens in Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science. </p> <p dir="ltr">For the best learning to happen, though, three fundamentals have to be in balance: stress, sleep, and exercise. These aspects assist in the child’s skills development and keep them physically and mentally healthy. A parent needs to prioritize these fundamentals to ensure their kid is growing well.  </p> <p dir="ltr">However, several factors may cause an imbalance between the three, affecting a child’s development. Our kids may not be getting enough of that last crucial ingredient, a small study published in the journal Pediatrics found. The researchers--led by Pooja Tandon, an assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of Washington--went to 10 childcare centers and outfitted 98 kids with activity trackers. They also observed the kids for seven hours at a time, four days per center, over two years. National guidelines say kids should get 15 minutes of activity per hour they're awake. The researchers' question:</p> <p dir="ltr">Did preschoolers get 120 minutes of active play per day, on average, in childcare?</p> <p dir="ltr">Not even close: 48 minutes.</p> <p dir="ltr">During 88% of their time at childcare, kids didn't have an opportunity for active play--"considerably suboptimal," the researchers wrote. Of course, that statistic is the average. One preschool that took part in the study protested that their kids get three hours of active play per day. Every school is different.</p> <p dir="ltr">So while you're considering preschools, ask about time for active play. You may ask about the daily routine of the children and see whether there is ample time for every activity. Moreover, you may inquire if they provide suitable and interactive materials to encourage the children to play. My daughter and I have been fortunate this past year to be part of a parent-child program at a Waldorf school, where my daughter gets an hour of free play indoors (if I actually get there on time) and an hour of active play outdoors to run, swing, shovel sand, balance on logs, and climb over rocks. This fall, my daughter will attend a forest preschool that's entirely outdoors. I know that's an opportunity she couldn't have at any other time in her school life.</p> <p dir="ltr">And, frankly, it's an opportunity I don't give her every day. We could all use this study as a reminder to arrange our lives around opportunities to be active. </p> <p dir="ltr">If you’re unsure how adequate playtime will affect your child, you can try observing their performance for a while after enrolling them in school. You may ask their teachers how they usually perform with other kids to determine whether an active program suits them. Alternatively, you may come to the school to observe your child.  </p> <p dir="ltr">Overall, it’s helpful to remember that letters and numbers will come later. Preschoolers need to get the fundamentals down first.</p> <p>(To dive deep on how exercise, sleep, and stress affect the brain, see <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Brain-Rules-Principles-Surviving-Thriving/dp/0979777720">Brain Rules:12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School </a>by John Medina. I edited the book, so I'm biased, but 99,186 fans on Facebook can't be wrong!)</p> </div></div></div> Fri, 02 Oct 2015 19:45:22 +0000 Tracy Cutchlow 49217 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.com https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/tracy-cutchlow/what-should-your-child-be-doing-in-preschool-not-sitting-around#comments What Positive Discipline Sounds Like https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/tracy-cutchlow/what-positive-discipline-sounds-like <div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/3_br_w_10042013.jpg" width="500" height="346" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>My preschooler came out of her room and stomped once. I carried her back to bed. As I turned to leave, she called out:</p> <p>“When we were camping, C wanted to be alone and I kept at him, and he hurt me. He hit me first. I hit him second. Next time we go camping, I’m going to hurt C.”</p> <p>“Then I’m afraid we can’t go camping with C,” I said gently, hoping she would see the error in her ways (but not see I was making that up). “We go camping to have fun, not to hurt people.”</p> <p>My response was typical enough of many parents, I think. Logical consequence + You’re wrong + What’s right x Lots of talking. And it doesn’t work.</p> <p>“I’m going to hit C next time!” she vowed.</p> <p>This is what parenting coach Sandy Blackard means by “Children must communicate until they feel heard.” I hadn’t acknowledged my daughter’s feelings. And she was going to tell them to me until I did.</p> <p>I’ve been thinking and reading about discipline a lot lately. I mean, I have a 3 1/2 year old! And I haven’t come across a more beautifully simple framework for positive parenting than Blackard’s.</p> <p>She calls it Language of Listening. It has only three steps:</p> <p>Say what you see. (Say what your child is doing, saying, feeling, or thinking.)<br /> If you like it, name a strength.<br /> If you don’t like it, offer a can-do. (Say what your child can do instead, including a firm boundary if needed.)<br /> This works in, essentially, any situation. Like my daughter vowing to beat up one of her best buds. I switched gears.</p> <p>“You’re mad at C.” I said this emphatically, to better match her feelings. Now, instead of arguing with me, she felt free to talk more about what happened.</p> <p>“Yeah, I went to the tree and I stomped, and I kicked him.” She stomped her mattress.</p> <p>“Mm-hmm.” I was partially successful at sounding impartial. “You were mad,” I repeated. I thought about strengths — could I find something in there? I decided to ignore the kicking part, based on the concept that “you get more of what you pay attention to.” I said, “When you stomped, you knew what you needed to do to get out your anger.”</p> <p>This apparently made her think of other ways to calm herself down. She said something else about hurting her friend, but then she sat up in bed and started taking deep breaths. Instead of making my escape, I joined her.</p> <p>Say what you see. “Ah, deep breaths.” If you like it, name a strength. “You know how to calm yourself down,” I said, kissing her forehead.</p> <p>“Next time I’ll be nice to C when he wants to be alone,” she said. But she sounded sad.</p> <p>Then I messed it up.</p> <p>Bonus at the bottom: An insight about what trips us up as parents.</p> <p>“Well, sometimes we get mad at our friends,” I ventured. “It happens. It’s not OK to hit or kick or spit or call names. But it is OK to be mad. You know how to calm down.”</p> <p>“It is OK to hit our friends,” she insisted.</p> <p>“Good night, sweetie,” I said gently, partly because I wasn’t sure where to go from there.</p> <p>I left her room. She didn’t pop out of her bed several more times as usual. She settled in and went to sleep — hopefully lighter for having gotten that off her chest.</p> <p>I asked Blackard about this conversation. She said my daughter’s defensive response (“It is OK to hit our friends”) came because I went directly into judging/lecturing mode (“It’s not OK to kick”). I hadn’t acknowledged her feeling of sadness—or even that she had come to such a great conclusion to be nice to her friend.</p> <p>Instead, Blackard said, you just start again from the top.</p> <p>“You decided to be nice to C when he wants to be alone. You sound a little sad now.” Then my daughter could have told me why she was feeling sad.<br /> I also could have repeated the three steps when my daughter insisted, “It is OK to hit our friends.” This requires trusting that our child is making sense, Blackard says, even when it makes no sense to us. Say what you see. “Sounds like for some reason it has to be OK.”</p> <p>“Imagine her answer to that!” Blackard said. “It could take you straight to the root of the problem that she was trying to solve with hitting, or open up a completely different line of thought. You never know. And ‘not knowing’ is right where you want to be with kids so the answers can come from them.”</p> <p>Ah, yes, the answers need to come from them. In Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science, I talk about the importance of engaging kids in problem-solving. I explain why lecturing to our kids is pointless. On top of that, acknowledging emotions before doing anything else is a major theme in my book and in my parenting philosophy. But sometimes, in the moment, we revert.</p> <p>That’s one reason I dig Language of Listening: it’s easy to remember. “Say what you see” just pops into my head. I’m not always certain of what then pops out of my mouth. But that’s OK.</p> <p>“Listening and acknowledging strengths is so powerful for children,” Blackard says, “that even a little creates enough connection and emotional safety for a child to stay in bed and drift comfortably off to sleep, as you just saw.”</p> <p>Blackard encourages us not to overthink it.</p> <p>“Say What You See isn’t meant to make you think hard,” she says. “It is pretty much ‘in through the eyes and out through the mouth’ objectively. That’s getting present and where the magic of stepping inside your child’s world occurs. You quickly realize things that you would have missed if you were mentally busy trying to ‘figure out’ what to say or do. You can figure out everything more effectively later, after you see the child’s perspective.”</p> <p>I appreciate that. However, something else Blackard said made me think hard. Get my insight about what trips us up as parents.</p> </div></div></div> Thu, 01 Oct 2015 16:06:27 +0000 Tracy Cutchlow 49212 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.com https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/tracy-cutchlow/what-positive-discipline-sounds-like#comments 'I'm gonna hit him': What positive discipline sounds like (and doesn't) when your kid vows to hurt a friend https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/tracy-cutchlow/im-gonna-hit-him-what-positive-discipline-sounds-like-and-doesnt-when-your-kid <div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/ztf-cover.jpg" width="208" height="178" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>My preschooler came out of her room and stomped once. I carried her back to bed. As I turned to leave, she called out:</p> <p>“When we were camping, C wanted to be alone and I kept at him, and he hurt me. He hit me first. I hit him second. Next time we go camping, I'm going to hurt C.”</p> <p>“Then I'm afraid we can't go camping with C,” I said gently, hoping she would see the error in her ways (but not see I was making that up). “We go camping to have fun, not to hurt people.”</p> <p>My response was typical enough of many parents, I think. Logical consequence + You're wrong + What's right <em>x</em> Lots of talking. And it doesn't work.</p> <p>"I'm going to hit C next time!" she vowed.</p> <p>This is what parenting coach <a href="http://www.languageoflistening.com/">Sandy Blackard</a> means by “Children must communicate until they feel heard.” I hadn’t acknowledged my daughter’s feelings. And she was going to tell them to me until I did.</p> <p>I’ve been thinking and reading about discipline a lot lately. I mean, I have a 3 1/2 year old! And I haven’t come across a more beautifully simple framework for positive parenting than Blackard’s.</p> <p>She calls it <a href="http://www.languageoflistening.com/about/about/">Language of Listening</a>. It has only three steps:</p> <ol> <li><strong>Say what you see.</strong> (Say what your child is doing, saying, feeling, or thinking.)</li> <li>If you like it, <strong>name a strength</strong>.</li> <li>If you don't like it, <strong>offer a can-do</strong>. (Say what your child can do instead, including a firm boundary if needed.)</li> </ol> <p>This works in, essentially, any situation. Like my daughter vowing to beat up one of her best buds. I switched gears.</p> <p>“You’re mad at C.” I said this emphatically, to better match her feelings. Now, instead of arguing with me, she felt free to talk more about what happened.</p> <p>“Yeah, I went to the tree and I stomped, and I kicked him.” She stomped her mattress.</p> <p>“Mm-hmm.” I was partially successful at sounding impartial. “You were mad,” I repeated. I thought about strengths -- could I find something in there? I decided to ignore the kicking part, based on the concept that “you get more of what you pay attention to.” I said, “When you stomped, you knew what you needed to do to get out your anger.”</p> <p>This apparently made her think of <a href="http://www.zerotofive.net/parenting/the-secret-to-time-outs-that-work/">other ways to calm herself down</a>. She said something else about hurting her friend, but then she sat up in bed and started taking deep breaths. Instead of making my escape, I joined her.</p> <p>Say what you see. "Ah, deep breaths." If you like it, name a strength. "You know how to calm yourself down," I said, kissing her forehead.</p> <p>“Next time I’ll be nice to C when he wants to be alone,” she said. But she sounded sad.</p> <p>Then I messed it up.</p> <p><em>Bonus at the bottom: <a href="https://zerotofive.leadpages.co/leadbox/14406ef73f72a2%3A145afbe4f346dc/5682617542246400/" target="_blank">An insight about what trips us up as parents.</a></em></p> <p>“Well, sometimes we get mad at our friends,” I ventured. “It happens. It’s not OK to hit or kick or spit or call names. But it is OK to be mad. You know how to calm down.”</p> <p>“It <em>is</em> OK to hit our friends,” she insisted.</p> <p>“Good night, sweetie,” I said gently, partly because I wasn’t sure where to go from there.</p> <p>I left her room. She didn’t pop out of her bed several more times as usual. She settled in and went to sleep -- hopefully lighter for having gotten that off her chest.</p> <p>I asked Blackard about this conversation. She said my daughter’s defensive response (“It <em>is</em> OK to hit our friends”) came because I went directly into judging/lecturing mode (“It’s not OK to kick”). I hadn’t acknowledged her feeling of sadness—or even that she had come to such a great conclusion to be nice to her friend.</p> <p>Instead, Blackard said, you just start again from the top. [bctt tweet="Say what you see."] “You decided to be nice to C when he wants to be alone. You sound a little sad now.” Then my daughter could have told me why she was feeling sad.</p> <p>I also could have repeated the three steps when my daughter insisted, “It <em>is</em> OK to hit our friends.” This requires trusting that our child is making sense, Blackard says, even when it makes no sense to us. Say what you see. “Sounds like for some reason it <em>has to</em> be OK.”</p> <p>“Imagine her answer to that!” Blackard said. “It could take you straight to the root of the problem that she was trying to solve with hitting, or open up a completely different line of thought. You never know. And ‘not knowing’ is right where you want to be with kids so the answers can come from them.”</p> <p>Ah, yes, the answers need to come from them. In <a href="http://amzn.to/1y8RoJK"><em>Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science</em></a>, I talk about the importance of engaging kids in problem-solving. I explain why lecturing to our kids is pointless. On top of that, acknowledging emotions before doing anything else is a major theme in my book and in my parenting philosophy. But sometimes, in the moment, we revert.</p> <p>That’s one reason I dig Language of Listening: it’s easy to remember. “Say what you see” just pops into my head. I’m not always certain of what then pops out of my mouth. But that’s OK.</p> <p>“Listening and acknowledging strengths is so powerful for children,” Blackard says, “that even a little creates enough connection and emotional safety for a child to stay in bed and drift comfortably off to sleep, as you just saw.”</p> <p>Blackard encourages us not to overthink it.</p> <p>“Say What You See isn’t meant to make you think hard,” she says. “It is pretty much ‘in through the eyes and out through the mouth’ <em>objectively</em>. That’s getting present and where the magic of stepping inside your child’s world occurs. You quickly realize things that you would have missed if you were mentally busy trying to ‘figure out’ what to say or do. You can figure out everything more effectively later, after you see the child’s perspective.”</p> <p>I appreciate that. However, something else Blackard said made me think hard. <a href="https://zerotofive.leadpages.co/leadbox/14406ef73f72a2%3A145afbe4f346dc/5682617542246400/" target="_blank">Get my insight about what trips us up as parents.</a></p> </div></div></div> Wed, 23 Sep 2015 12:21:16 +0000 Tracy Cutchlow 49164 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.com https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/tracy-cutchlow/im-gonna-hit-him-what-positive-discipline-sounds-like-and-doesnt-when-your-kid#comments The secret to stopping power struggles https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/tracy-cutchlow/the-secret-to-stopping-power-struggles <div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/goingplaces_4.jpg" width="720" height="486" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>“Time for bed,” my husband says. He’s not talking to our 3-year-old. He’s talking to me, because I’ve been going to bed waaaay too late, and I’ve asked him to help me out. Even so, whenever he tells me what to do, I balk. “OK,” I say noncommittally, and I stay up even later.</p> <p>Think about the last time someone pressured you to do something. What was your gut reaction?</p> <p>How about the last time you told your 3-year-old what to do? Did she do the opposite of what you wanted?</p> <p>Mine did.</p> <p>We’ve been struggling with power struggles in my house lately (<a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=d0fa5821d8&amp;e=92d1c25275">nap time is particularly tough</a>), and I’ve been losing. So, when one of you wonderful readers asked me for a post on the topic, I was more than happy to oblige. (And get a few reminders for myself, since <a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=3987a8814f&amp;e=92d1c25275">I don’t always do things the way I intend</a>.)</p> <p>The secret I’m about to share isn’t spelled out quite this way in my book, <a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=8411e53091&amp;e=92d1c25275">Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science</a>. So I’m glad to add to our understanding of power struggles here.</p> <p>First, the letter:</p> <p>I’d love to see a post on how to deal with power struggles with 3-year-olds. Because my daughter is so strong-willed, she tries to assert herself often, in ridiculous ways.</p> <p>For instance, she tries to tell me which route to take to school and then unbuckles her car seat in protest if I don’t adhere to her demands. All of a sudden she refuses to wear any other shoes to school but her winter boots, despite the 80-degree days here in South Florida — don’t be jealous.  [I am jealous.] She tells me to stop talking, for no reason other than because she doesn’t want me to talk to her. She will run away defiantly at the park and get farther and farther away, all while glancing back at me, until she is standing in the middle of the street when she knows it’s dangerous, just to make me run after her.</p> <p>It’s driving me crazy!! It makes no sense and it’s hard to figure out how to discipline behavior like that because I don’t spank and I don’t overreact, but some of her behavior is dangerous! Any advice on this topic would be greatly appreciated!</p> <p>– B.C.</p> <p>Raise your hand if you can relate.</p> <p>The surprising thing we need to know is that the brain is wired to resist being coerced. Our children are acting on instinct. They’re not doing this stuff on purpose to push our buttons. Being controlled or coerced instinctively triggers defiance. (Unless we’re feeling very connected, in that moment, to the person doing the controlling.)</p> <p>Why? This defensive reaction protects us from going along with someone who doesn’t have our best interests at heart. It’s actually a good thing.</p> <p>We parents often call this behavior “strong-willed,” stemming from the belief that our child is defying us on purpose and fighting hard to take the upper hand. Developmental psychologist <a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=70a88308c4&amp;e=92d1c25275">Gordon Neufeld</a> says we need a new word: “counterwill.” Counterwill more accurately describes the brain’s instinctive defense to being controlled by another’s will.</p> <p>So telling our kids what to do triggers counterwill. But we need our kids to do things, like take their naps and keep their car seats buckled and put on their shoes and not run into the street. What now?</p> <p>Two secrets:</p> <p>1. Give choices.</p> <p>“I know you like to navigate. You may choose one street this morning. Would you like to take 3rd Avenue or 4th Avenue?”</p> <p>“What else do you need to be able to go outside? Yes, shoes. It’s pretty warm out, so those boots might make your feet sweat. But it’s your decision.” (Maybe it’s a little embarrassing to you if your kid shows up at school in winter boots on a hot spring day, but shrugging off minor things will <a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage2.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=023a0d4461&amp;e=92d1c25275">make discipline easier on yourself</a>.)</p> <p>“Would you like to buckle your car seat by yourself? Or shall I help you?”</p> <p>“Yes, you may camp out on the floor instead of sleeping in your bed.”</p> <p>Having a say is the opposite of feeling controlled. Keep it to two options, though, to <a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=52c6b68e0f&amp;e=92d1c25275">avoid overload</a>. And, of course, allow a choice only in situations where the answer doesn’t matter to you. This isn’t about letting a child take over all decisions. I like the way <a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=6fd5fd0fe1&amp;e=92d1c25275">Susan Stiffelman</a>, author of “<a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=17341f8ff4&amp;e=92d1c25275">Parenting Without Power Struggles</a>,” describes our role as parents: Be the captain of the ship–not controlling, but in control.</p> <p>2. Connect before you direct.</p> <p>That’s Neufeld’s line. I mentioned that counterwill is triggered unless our child is feeling a connection with us. <a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage2.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=1c10351d1e&amp;e=92d1c25275">Neufeld says</a>: “[Having a good] relationship is not enough. The attachment instinct needs to be engaged in the moment.” The way to engage your child’s attachment instinct, which trumps his counterwill instinct, is to create a connection. Neufeld’s strategy:</p> <p>Collect eye contact, collect a smile, collect three nods. “The most powerful force in the universe is now on your side,” Neufeld says. Then make your request.</p> <p>Today, at nap time, I tried this. My preschooler was coming out of her room for the fourth or fifth time (we don’t <a href="http://www.troublesometots.com/when-your-kid-wont-stay-in-bed/">have a lock on the door </a>at this age) and I felt my blood begin to boil. Deep breath.</p> <p>I knelt down to make eye contact. She was talking about an upcoming trip.</p> <p>“A well-rested girl will do better on the plane to Arizona,” I said with a smile. She paused.</p> <p>“Are you looking forward to Arizona?” Smile. “Yes!”</p> <p>“Do you want to be well-rested on the plane to Arizona?” “Yes!”</p> <p>“What do you need to do to be well-rested?” “Sleep!”</p> <p>“Mm. Do you want to sleep?” “Yes!”</p> <p>I gently picked her up and carried her back to bed, singing a song about a girl named Geneva who wanted to rest. And, miraculously, she did.</p> <p>What are other ideas for creating a little connection in the moment?</p> <p>Acknowledge emotions. “You’re telling me to stop talking. You don’t want me to tell you no, huh? I understand, you really want to do X.” If tantrum ensues: “Yes, you really want to do X. You’re feeling frustrated. I see you’re feeling so upset. Would you like a hug?”</p> <p>Create a game for the two of you. “Today I have a special treat for us. I’ve printed out a map of our neighborhood, and together let’s pick a route to school. This will be your very own route. Would you like that? We can take your route to school every Tuesday.” Or, when getting dressed is a chase: “OK, you run down the hallway toward me for a hug! Then we put on one piece of clothing. Run, then shirt. Run, then pants.”</p> <p>Give big greetings. “I’m happy to see you!” (Not “How was preschool? Did you keep your pants dry today?”)</p> <p>Share something you like about your child. “I love watching you play at the park. You ask other little friends if they want to play with you. It’s really nice. OK, we’re here. Where’s the safe area to run? Yes, the grass. Where’s the danger zone? The street, you got it. So we stay on the grass.”</p> <p>Be present. Stash your phone. Keep the TV off. Listen and ask questions. Suggest that thing your child loves to do together–reading a story or building with blocks–before he has to beg you. When my husband takes even 15 minutes for this as soon as he gets home from work, the evening goes so much more smoothly. When he immediately launches into whatever happened that day, our daughter tugs on him, tries to talk over him, repeats “Excuse me!” and says, “Daddy, you’re talking too much.”</p> <p>That’s one illustration of Neufeld’s view that misbehavior is a signal: Address the relationship now. Deal with the incident later. (Now: Give full attention. Later: “Sweetie, it’s rude to interrupt when I’m talking.”) If we give choices and connect before we direct, we won’t often need to use consequences or resort to tricks.</p> <p>To dive deeper on power struggles, see Susan Stiffelman’s <a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=e50ed04b67&amp;e=92d1c25275">book</a> or <a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=eadd97ee5e&amp;e=92d1c25275">online courses</a>. Neufeld also offers <a href="http://zerotofive.us8.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=e727fa52c1ad06a6270c45363&amp;id=60259ba544&amp;e=92d1c25275">video lectures</a>, but I find Stiffelman’s site a little friendlier. OK, enough for now: I’m up waaaay too late already.</p> <p>Have a question or a story about power struggles? <a href="http://mailto:tracy@zerotofive.net">E-mail me</a>–I read every one.</p> </div></div></div> Tue, 31 Mar 2015 19:57:14 +0000 Tracy Cutchlow 48439 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.com https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/tracy-cutchlow/the-secret-to-stopping-power-struggles#comments