Advantages and disadvantages of telling kids about AR

Family Therapist Kim Bergman, PhD, explains the advantages and disadvantages of telling your children that they were born using assisted reproduction techniques
Should You Tell Your Kids They Were Born Using Assisted Reproduction
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Advantages and disadvantages of telling kids about AR

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People sometimes wonder how to figure out the advantages and disadvantages about talking about issues of how our children are born when we use assisted reproduction or third parties. So the answer's really easy; there's absolutely no disadvantage to telling the truth, and there are some disadvantages to not telling the truth. We don't have much research in this area, though there's a lot of things being done, but we have a lot of research in the adoption world and we can use that research. In the adoption literature, children do the best when they are told the truth early on, right from the beginning, and continually told the truth. Those children that do worse are children who are told when they're 18 that they were adopted and their whole identity shifts. So telling children the truth and the whole truth and the age-appropriate truth is really critical to their own psychological well-being. My children have known the truth since the beginning and they are not afraid to tell you if you mention their dad, they will say, "I don't have a dad." On the playground, "I don't have a dad." It's a material fact of their life. It's not a judgment. It's just basically who they are. And that's what we want for kids, to be really, really clear who they are.

Family Therapist Kim Bergman, PhD, explains the advantages and disadvantages of telling your children that they were born using assisted reproduction techniques

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Kim Bergman, PhD

Family Therapist

Kim Bergman, PhD, a licensed psychologist of 22 years, has specialized in the area of gay and lesbian parenting, parenting by choice and third party assisted reproduction for the last two decades. Dr. Bergman has created a comprehensive psychological screening, support and monitoring process for Intended Parents, Surrogates and Donors. She is the co-owner of Fertility Counseling Services and Growing Generations and is a member of the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, the American Fertility Association, the American Psychological Association, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the Lesbian and Gay Psychotherapy Association, and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. She is on the national board of the Family Equality Council. Dr. Bergman writes, teaches and speaks extensively on parenting by choice. Along with co-authors, she published "Gay Men Who Become Fathers via Surrogacy: The Transition to Parenthood" (Journal of GLBT Family Studies, April 2010). Dr. Bergman created her own family using third party assisted reproduction and she lives with her wife of 28 years and their two teenage daughters. 

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Transcription: 
People sometimes wonder how to figure out the advantages and disadvantages about talking about issues of how our children are born when we use assisted reproduction or third parties. So the answer's really easy; there's absolutely no disadvantage to telling the truth, and there are some disadvantages to not telling the truth. We don't have much research in this area, though there's a lot of things being done, but we have a lot of research in the adoption world and we can use that research. In the adoption literature, children do the best when they are told the truth early on, right from the beginning, and continually told the truth. Those children that do worse are children who are told when they're 18 that they were adopted and their whole identity shifts. So telling children the truth and the whole truth and the age-appropriate truth is really critical to their own psychological well-being. My children have known the truth since the beginning and they are not afraid to tell you if you mention their dad, they will say, "I don't have a dad." On the playground, "I don't have a dad." It's a material fact of their life. It's not a judgment. It's just basically who they are. And that's what we want for kids, to be really, really clear who they are.