The effects of losing your temper with teens

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The effects of losing your temper with teens

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One of the biggest mistakes that parents make is they lose their temper and yell at their kids. We start to feel that it's a natural thing, but when you look at the development of adolescents and their brain, what happens is; as soon as you lose your temper and raise your voice to a teen, they stop hearing you. They may even try, but their brain freezes and they can't hear you. At that point, you may as well stop the conversation because they aren't listening. All you are doing is modeling the worst behavior that you don't want. You don't want your kids to lose their temper. You want them to learn that if they lose their temper, take a breath, it's time to move away and take a break. When kids get defensive, it takes 20 minutes for things to calm down. The only exception is if you can feel a positive emotion in a pure way. The best way is laughter. If, as a parent, we can crack a joke and make fun at our own expense, they will lean right in and the conversation can continue.

Watch Michael Riera, PhD's video on The effects of losing your temper with teens...

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Michael Riera, PhD

Head Of School, Brentwood School

Michael Riera, PhD, Educator, Author, Media Personality, and Speaker. Michael Riera is the Head of School at the Brentwood School, best-selling author, award-winning columnist, educator, television commentator, and national speaker on issues of children, adolescents, families, and parenting. Mike is the author of Right From Wrong: instilling a Sense of integrity in Our Children, Field Guide to the American Teenager, Uncommon Sense For Parents With Teenagers, and Surviving High School. His most recent book, Staying Connected To Your Teenager, was launched with three appearances on Oprah! For eight years he was the Family Consultant for CBS The Saturday Morning Early Show and also hosted an award winning television show on the Oxygen Network, Life in Progress, as well as his own daily radio show, Family Talk with Dr. Mike. Mike has worked in schools for over 20 years as a head of school, counselor, dean of students, teacher and consultant. 

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Transcription: 
One of the biggest mistakes that parents make is they lose their temper and yell at their kids. We start to feel that it's a natural thing, but when you look at the development of adolescents and their brain, what happens is; as soon as you lose your temper and raise your voice to a teen, they stop hearing you. They may even try, but their brain freezes and they can't hear you. At that point, you may as well stop the conversation because they aren't listening. All you are doing is modeling the worst behavior that you don't want. You don't want your kids to lose their temper. You want them to learn that if they lose their temper, take a breath, it's time to move away and take a break. When kids get defensive, it takes 20 minutes for things to calm down. The only exception is if you can feel a positive emotion in a pure way. The best way is laughter. If, as a parent, we can crack a joke and make fun at our own expense, they will lean right in and the conversation can continue.