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Keeping romance and sex life alive after having kids

It's hard to keep your sex life alive when you have young children, because you are really exhausted and you're incredibly busy. And it's really important to talk about because there are two pieces to a relationship. There's companionship, which is the day to day management of your life. Running your kids around, who's going to make dinner, who's going to let the dogs out. It's sort of the business or the corporation of your marriage. And that's what makes you roommates. And that's all great. What movie are we going to watch? How well do all get along? How do we manage this new family that we have? But the whole other part of your relationship is eroticism. And eroticism is where the passion and the aliveness and the in love part lives. If you don't have that, then you're going to feel like you're just roommates. And a lot of people think if we just work on the companionship, then the sex will just take care of itself. And frankly, it doesn't. You have to work as hard if not harder on this erotic part of your relationship as you do this piece. But you have to carve out time for your erotic life. It won't just happen spontaneously. You're not going to come home and sweep the dishes off the kitchen table and say, take me now! Not when you have little kids and a job and a house. It's not going to happen. You have to carve out just a couple hours a week where you get together to remind each other that we're more than roommates. We're more than parents. We're actually in a romantic partnership. Frankly, you probably could have picked a better roommate. But you didn't pick each other just to be roommates. You picked each other to be lovers. And it's easy to forget that when you're parents and you have all these other responsibilities. So meet once a week in the bedroom after the kids go to bed, even if you're exhausted, even if you're tired and angry, and light a candle, turn on some music, get naked, and remind each other of why you got together in the first place.

Tammy Nelson, PhD, discusses ways couples can reconnect and keep romance and sexual satisfaction alive after having children


Expert Bio

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Tammy Nelson, PhD

Psychotherapist & Relationship Expert

Tammy Nelson PhD is the author of several books including, “Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together”  (2008) and  “What’s Eating You? A Workbook for Anorexia and Bulimia (2004)” and her latest  book “The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity” (January 2013) is receiving critical acclaim.  She has been a featured expert in New York Times, Washington Post, Self,  Glamour Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, MSNBC,  Shape, Men’s Health, Women’s Health Woman’s Day, Women’s Health, and a source in Time Magazine. She writes for the Huffington Post, YourTango and can be followed on her blog

Tammy Nelson is a Board Certified Sexologist, a Certified Sex Therapist and an Imago Relationship Therapist.  She is an international speaker and a licensed psychotherapist in private practice with over 25 years of experience working with individuals and couples.  She travels and lectures internationally on her quest for global relational change.

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