How to rebuild trust after an affair

Tammy Nelson, PhD explains how to start rebuilding trust after a partner's infidelity
Relationship Advice | How to rebuild trust after an affair
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How to rebuild trust after an affair

So if you want to stay with your partner after an affair, it can be hard to rebuild the trust. And it seems like that's the one thing most people ask me. Can I ever trust my partner after they've cheated? Once a cheater, always a cheater? That's the big question mark. And I can tell you that no matter how many questions you ask your partner, no matter how many hoops you have them jump through to prove to you that they're trustworthy, I hate to say this, but you're probably never going to trust them fully again. What does lead to trust in a relationship after an affair is learning to trust your own inner voice once again. Because what happens in an affair is your whole life gets rocked. Your whole foundation. Your whole worldview is suddenly thrown. Your inner voice was supposed to tell you what was real and what wasn't. Maybe you didn't listen. Or maybe you did listen to your intuition and then you shut it off and said that can't be true. So now that inner voice, that inner truth that you've always known before is now something you can't trust. So for a while, it's going to take some work to discern between your own intuition and your fear. It's not about learning to trust your partner so much as it is learning to trust yourself. Trust is an inner job. It's an inside job. It's not about learning to trust your partner. It's about learning to trust your own intuition again. It's learning to trust that no matter what my intuition tells me, I know I can always count on it. So when my partner calls and says, I'm going to be home late, your intuition and your fear might both kick in. And your fear might say, I'm not sure they're telling the truth. But your intuition is going to tell you the real story. And that's something you can always rely on.

Tammy Nelson, PhD explains how to start rebuilding trust after a partner's infidelity


Expert Bio

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Tammy Nelson, PhD

Psychotherapist & Relationship Expert

Tammy Nelson PhD is the author of several books including, “Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together”  (2008) and  “What’s Eating You? A Workbook for Anorexia and Bulimia (2004)” and her latest  book “The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity” (January 2013) is receiving critical acclaim.  She has been a featured expert in New York Times, Washington Post, Self,  Glamour Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, MSNBC,  Shape, Men’s Health, Women’s Health Woman’s Day, Women’s Health, and a source in Time Magazine. She writes for the Huffington Post, YourTango and can be followed on her blog

Tammy Nelson is a Board Certified Sexologist, a Certified Sex Therapist and an Imago Relationship Therapist.  She is an international speaker and a licensed psychotherapist in private practice with over 25 years of experience working with individuals and couples.  She travels and lectures internationally on her quest for global relational change.

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