How to have great sex when you are an exhausted new mom

Tammy Nelson, PhD, offers tips for new moms on how to maintain a healthy sex life while breastfeeding and dealing with a new baby
Tips for New Moms | Having great sex even when you're an exhausted new mom
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How to have great sex when you are an exhausted new mom

So how do you keep your sex life active if you're a new mom? You're breast feeding, the kids are active, you're exhausted. I can tell you that the most important thing is to recognize that you're exhausted. You know, they use sleep deprivation to torture people. So if you haven't slept in a long time, it's normal to feel the way you're feeling. Secondly if you're breast feeding, and you have young children hanging on you, that's called over physical stimulation. So you're overly physically stimulated at this point in your life. Your partner might feel under sexually stimulated. So you're really at a time in your life where you're going to be at a crossroads. Your partner wants more physical stimulation or sexual affection and you probably want less. So in order to increase the sexual connection between you, you need space. And the only way you can take space is if your partner helps you with that. So if your partner wants more sex, they've got to help you by giving you the time and space that you need to rejuvenate. You cannot pour from an empty pitcher. And you're not going to look at sex as a way to fill up your pitcher. You're going to look at rest, space, and time. Once you have rest, space, and time, it's amazing how much more willing you are going to be to want to have sex with your partner. And the next step is to be physically stimulated, to be aroused by having your skin touched in a way that feels sensual, and in a way that feels nurturing. Not by having someone pull at you, push you, tweak you like a radio. You want to have a nurturing touch that increases the oxytocin in your body and in your brain. That's the hormone that makes you feel like you want to bond. Yes, it's released when you breast feed. But it's also released during sex. And you want to have that chemical that's released between you and your partner so that you can bond with them and not just with your babies. So sex is an important part of your life right now even though you might be too tired to even think about it. So give yourself some space and time, tell your partner that you need them to help you with that, get some physical touch and some turn on, so that you can release that oxytocin, and give yourself the time to carve out that intimacy with your partner. It's really important right now.

Tammy Nelson, PhD, offers tips for new moms on how to maintain a healthy sex life while breastfeeding and dealing with a new baby


Expert Bio

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Tammy Nelson, PhD

Psychotherapist & Relationship Expert

Tammy Nelson PhD is the author of several books including, “Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together”  (2008) and  “What’s Eating You? A Workbook for Anorexia and Bulimia (2004)” and her latest  book “The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity” (January 2013) is receiving critical acclaim.  She has been a featured expert in New York Times, Washington Post, Self,  Glamour Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, MSNBC,  Shape, Men’s Health, Women’s Health Woman’s Day, Women’s Health, and a source in Time Magazine. She writes for the Huffington Post, YourTango and can be followed on her blog

Tammy Nelson is a Board Certified Sexologist, a Certified Sex Therapist and an Imago Relationship Therapist.  She is an international speaker and a licensed psychotherapist in private practice with over 25 years of experience working with individuals and couples.  She travels and lectures internationally on her quest for global relational change.

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