Dealing with a stillbirth

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Dealing with a stillbirth

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When my husband and I lost our second son, Duncan, to stillbirth, we had people come out of the woodwork to help us. They wanted to share in our grief. They wanted to show us that they cared, but I can tell you honestly that two years after the fact, the things that have stuck with us the most are the ways that we were inadvertently hurt by people making a misstep in trying to assist us. The biggest one is definitely when people tried to compare an experience that they had with loss to ours. Most notably when it was a pet. Now, I've had pets, I love animals, but you telling me that you've had to put your cat to sleep does in no way help me with my grief of my baby boy that I delivered, I held, that I had to put in a bassinette and walk away from. So, yeah, pets, not the same. Meals are great initially because I didn't want to cook, but months on end of baked goods to my door tempted me, and I ate them. So all that baby weight that I was trying to lose compounded by goodies that I felt obligated to eat and thank you for. So just think about those kind of gestures. The biggest one though probably is the acknowledgement or lack thereof of what we had gone through. Grief does not have a timeline so even if you think that after three months a mom isn't hurting and it's okay to pretend it didn't happen, it doesn't. I promise you if you ask her, "How are you doing," and she doesn't want to tell you, she's not going to. But if you ask her, "How are you doing," and she needs that moment to tell someone, it sucks, it still hurts, that is so important. So above all else, don't ignore the loss. Don't ignore it.

View Monica Gregory's video on Dealing with a stillbirth...

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Monica Gregory

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Monica Gregory is 30-something stay-at-home-mom whose journey to motherhood has been anything but smooth.  Seven pregnancies, two chemical pregnancies, one twin miscarriage, one VBAC stillbirth, two C-sections, and a total of 11 months on bedrest don't make her an expert on pregnancy or parenting, but they do make her passionate about her role as mother.  Before relocating from Ohio to Nashville, TN, for her husband's job, Monica was a commercial insurance agent. Today, she spends her days with Seth, three, Erin, one, and new baby James, sweeping up graham crackers, playing trains, blogging and cooking...all to the strains of Nick, Jr. in the background.

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