Advice for when your ex marries his affair

Tammy Nelson, PhD, offers advice for parents when an ex-spouse marries the person involved in the infidelity that caused the divorce
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Advice for when your ex marries his affair

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So if your spouse leaves you for someone else, and that person continues to be in your children's life, how do you deal with that? What do you do with your own feelings? You know, your kids are pretty intuitive. They're going to pick up the fact that you're not happy about that other person being in your partner's life or being in your kid's life. But they're going to have an ongoing relationship with that person. And it's your job to deal with your ongoing feelings as an adult separate from your kids and also to teach them how to have a healthy relationship with this new person going forward, because they're going to have their own fears about their parent having a new relationship. And how do you help them adjust to their new lives as well? One of the things you need to do is remind them what's going to stay the same and what's going to change. How often are you going to be with them. How often is the other parent going to be with them. Where are they going to sleep? What's going to change in their room? Are they going to go to the same school? Are they going to have the same pillow on their bed? You'd be surprised even if kids are teenagers what their initial questions really contain in their minds. They want to know in my little world what's going to be different. So they're concerned about this other person only so much initially in that is this other person going to change my life? Does that mean they're going to take my space? Does that mean they're going to change my belongings? What does that mean for me? Does that mean we're still going to go on vacation together? So part of your job as a parent is to create stability by reminding your child of what is not going to change and what is going to change. And if you have feelings about this other person, to take them to a trusted friend or a therapist. Don't process them in front of your child. They're having enough trouble adjusting to change as well. You need to be the model for them of how to handle change by being mature, and by being transparent about your feelings. This is kind of hard for all of us to adjust not being together 7 days a week. And this is the way that we can handle the transition when you go from my house to their house.

Tammy Nelson, PhD, offers advice for parents when an ex-spouse marries the person involved in the infidelity that caused the divorce

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Tammy Nelson, PhD

Psychotherapist & Relationship Expert

Tammy Nelson PhD is the author of several books including, “Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together”  (2008) and  “What’s Eating You? A Workbook for Anorexia and Bulimia (2004)” and her latest  book “The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity” (January 2013) is receiving critical acclaim.  She has been a featured expert in New York Times, Washington Post, Self,  Glamour Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, MSNBC,  Shape, Men’s Health, Women’s Health Woman’s Day, Women’s Health, and a source in Time Magazine. She writes for the Huffington Post, YourTango and can be followed on her blog www.drtammynelson.com/blog/.

Tammy Nelson is a Board Certified Sexologist, a Certified Sex Therapist and an Imago Relationship Therapist.  She is an international speaker and a licensed psychotherapist in private practice with over 25 years of experience working with individuals and couples.  She travels and lectures internationally on her quest for global relational change.

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