Addressing child's behavior without "feeding the fire"

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Addressing child's behavior without "feeding the fire"

So when I suggest to parents that we ignore the kinds of behaviors that are pesky and negative, it doesn't mean that we're not going to take some time to deal with them later. What's important is that when they're going on in the moment, the easiest solution is just to ignore. But then the parent has to step back and assess. So what is this behavior about? Is it that my child hasn't been trained adequately in this particular skill, like making their bed or getting to the table, or what their manners are at the table? Or is there a fracture in the relationship somewhere between me and my child that is making him uncooperative, snarky, disrespectful? So first we have to assess. And then we have to come up with a thoughtful plan to say to the child, I have a feeling that this child has not been trained. I've been doing too much for this kid and now I'm getting push back. So I'm going to spend the next week or two training this child on how to take responsibility for this, and maybe the problem will go away. Or, I really need to start focusing more on the relationship with this child. I've been really demanding and very critical lately. So maybe I need to start focusing on his strengths, and maybe that will alleviate the misbehavior. So it's not always that you're ignoring and throwing your hands up and saying, ah, what difference does it make? It's that you're ignoring in the moment, giving yourself time to think about it, going back and assessing, and coming back with a plan for how to move from useless behavior to useful behavior.

View Vicki Hoefle's video on Addressing child's behavior without "feeding the fire"...


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Vicki Hoefle

Professional Parent Educator

Vicki Hoefle is a professional parent educator with over 20 years experience teaching parents, educators and caregivers how to raise respectful, responsible and resilient children. Hoefle combines her expertise in Adlerian Psychology and as an International Coaching Federation certified coach to bring parents Duct Tape Parenting, a sustainable and proactive parenting strategy that provides time-tested tools for harvesting a happy and peaceful family life. Her informative and highly engaging presentation style keeps her in demand as a speaker, facilitator and educator. Hoefle is a mother of six and lives in Middlebury, Vermont.

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