How to keep the romance alive in your marriage

Dr. John Gray reveals the war between the sexes, and how understanding how women and men work can help keep sex and romance alive in a marriage
How to Keep the Romance Alive in Your Marriage
KidsInTheHouse the Ultimate Parenting Resource
Kids in the House Tour

How to keep the romance alive in your marriage

So many people say, how do you keep the passion alive? Keeping the passion alive for women is code language for how do you keep the romance alive. And for men it's often, how do you keep having sex with your partner. And it can go the other way for both, but generally speaking that's the war of the sexes. Women want romance. Then they feel sexual. When women are responsive sexually, then men can be romantic. It's a give and take. It's like one starts from the head - the woman. She says, see me, kiss me, hear me, touch me, and then my body responds. And to a man, you touch him anywhere, and it all goes south right away. Sex is so critical to a man's well being. And love and romance and affection are so critical to a woman's well being, particularly in today's world where we're so stressed. The hormones of oxytocin are what allow a woman to respond. But she literally needs stimulation for that to happen. Men don't need much stimulation for testosterone to release into sex. So men are walking around wanting it and women are like, I'm looking for the romance first. Then they can have the sex. So often men make a big deal out of this. Why doesn't she want to have sex with me? I mean, it's a simple thing. Why can't she want it? And men end up feeling rejected, only because they don't understand women. It's not that she's saying she doesn't want sex. She's saying, I'd love to have sex. But I need certain stimulation before I can get there. And that's called romance. So how do you keep the romance alive? Three basic skills. One is dates. The same things you did when you were dating are the things that create romance. It's just that men stop doing that. Once you're no longer competing with other men, you wait until the last minute and say what do you want to do tonight? When you were dating, you had to plan ahead. Otherwise somebody else might take her out. But it's that planning ahead that allows a woman to build those hormones of romance. So planning ahead. A date every week. Also good communication. When women feel they can share themselves, their feelings, they feel heard, they feel seen, this produces the hormones that allow her to feel sexually responsive. So good communication. Also for a man to really be there for her. If she needs help, she has to learn how to ask for it to motivate him to do it. So she feels like, whenever I need help, he's there. He's the emergency man. He's also a good listener. He understands where I'm coming from. And also sometimes he can be very romantic. But she has to be a co-participant in that. She has to learn how to communicate in ways where he'll listen. Here's one skill. Honey, I just want to give you a download of my day. It will only take 10 minutes. You don't have to say anything. Just look in my direction. And you'll know what's going on in my life. I don't want you to fix anything. Who does that? But if you do that, a guy goes, okay. I can do that. And he'll just sit there and listen. And the secret is, he'll get closer inside of you than he's ever been before. You know, after we got good at this kind of conversation, when my wife talks I get turned on. It's an amazing thing. And if I'm getting turned on at her talking, she does too. So these are some of the new skills we have to learn to keep romance going. If we think it's going to happen automatically it won't. That's the biggest mistake we make. Because in the beginning of the relationship, we didn't have to do anything. The hormones stimulate the newness of the romance. But after a few years, you have to do things to stimulate those hormones, the right hormones for her, the right hormones for him. So for women, it's learning how to ask for what they want and get it and to motivate men. And for men to follow through and provide the extra support for her to be in the mood. Because for him it's like automatic. Until he's in 50s and he loses interest, and the nit's generally the woman saying, where's the sex? Where's the sex? And this is all about having the relationship skills to produce the hormones so that we want to have sex and we can enjoy sex.

Dr. John Gray reveals the war between the sexes, and how understanding how women and men work can help keep sex and romance alive in a marriage


Expert Bio

More from Expert

John Gray, PhD

Best-Selling Author

John Gray is the leading relationship expert in the world. His relationship and health books have sold over 50 million copies in 50 different languages. His groundbreaking book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, is the best-selling non-fiction book of all time.

John helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships. His approach combines specific communication techniques with healthy, nutritional choices that create the brain and body chemistry for lasting health, happiness and romance. His many books, videos, workshops and seminars provide practical insights to effectively manage stress and improve relationships at all stages of life and love.

John also travels the world teaching communities and companies the best ways to improve their relationships and communication. He has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show many times as well as The Dr. Oz Show, The Today Show, CBS Morning Show, Good Morning America, The Early Show, The View, and many others. He has been profiled in Time, Forbes, USA Today and People.

John Gray lives in Northern California with his wife of 29 years, Bonnie. They have three grown daughters and four grandchildren. He is an avid follower of his own health and relationship advice.

More Parenting Videos from John Gray, PhD >
Enter your email to
download & subscribe
to our newsletter