What to do when girls are excluded or friendships fall apart

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What to do when girls are excluded or friendships fall apart

One of the things that happens a lot in girl world is that people get excluded. A girl will get excluded from a group or she'll be excluded from her best friend. And one of the things that can happen and one of the most confusing things is that parents will tell me, "it happened for no reason." Well I have to tell you that from the other side of it it actually looks like there was a reason. If you knew what was going on with the other girls, there was a very good reason for what they did. They justify in their mind doing what the exclusion. And they don't want to confront the girl because it's too uncomfortable, so they just cut her out. Now one other thing that can happen though, and this is very different, is that a group that excludes the girl is often about the roles and the power dynamics that are going on in the group. And then your daughter has to decide the price of being in that group. Because she could try to please that group and do whatever she can to get back into that group. But when she does that she's literally sacrificing her personal boundaries and herself to get back in with her friends. Or, if it's with a best friends, one of the things that happens is that girls naturally grow apart when they're in middle school. this is a really natural normal thing, which does not make it any less painful for your daughter when she's going through it. But when that happens, I want you to recognize that the relationships do take their course. And there's no way as a parent that you're going to be able to manufacture and bring these girls back together again in a normal way. In fact, what happens is when parents really try and bring the children back together again in any of these situations - with the group of the best friend - that the girls will get even more angry at the fact that they are being forced into this friendship. and the minute the adult walks away, and sometimes they'll even do it in front of the adults, they'll be incredibly mean to your daughter. So it's basically like a set up to get your daughter to be hurt again. So it's really important for you to be able to say to your daughter, "you know what? These girls are not conducting themselves in a way that you even want to be around right now. So you are not going to be able to force them to be your friend. you have to be able to walk away until they're ready to be the people that you can count on."

Watch Rosalind Wiseman 's video on What to do when girls are excluded or friendships fall apart...


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Rosalind Wiseman

Author & Educator

Rosalind Wiseman is an internationally recognized expert on children, teens, parenting, bullying, social justice, and ethical leadership. Rosalind is the author of Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World, the groundbreaking, fully-revised edition of her bestselling book that was the basis for the movie Mean Girls. Her follow-up book, Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads, addresses the social hierarchies and conflicts among parents and is now being made into a major motion picture by New Line Cinema. In 2010, Rosalind published the  young adult novel Boys, Girls, & Other Hazardous Materials, which was recognized by the American Library Association as one of their Most Popular Paperbacks for Young Adults.  She is now writing a set of companion books for boys and their parents, scheduled for publication in the Fall of 2013. In addition, Rosalind has written the Owning Up Curriculum, a comprehensive social justice program for grades 6-12 which is in widespread use across the country.  She writes the monthly “Ask Rosalind” column in Family Circle magazine, and is regular contributor to several blogs and websites. Also, Rosalind is a spokesperson for LG’s Text-Education Council that aims to inform parents about responsible monitoring of teen cell phone usage. Each year Rosalind works with tens of thousands of students, educators, parents, counselors, coaches, and administrators to create communities based on the belief that each person has a responsibility to treat themselves and others with dignity. In 2011, she was one of the principal speakers at the White House Summit on Bullying.  Other audiences have included the American School Counselors Association, International Chiefs of Police, American Association of School Administrators, and countless schools throughout the U.S. and abroad. National media regularly depends on Rosalind as the expert on ethical leadership, media literacy, and bullying prevention.  She is a consultant for Cartoon Network’s Speak Up, Stop Bullying campaign. She is a frequent guest on the Today Show, Anderson Cooper 360 and Dateline.  She has been profiled in The New York Times, People, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, USA Today, Oprah, Nightline, CNN, Good Morning America, and National Public Radio affiliates throughout the country. Rosalind holds a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science from Occidental College. She lives in Washington D.C. with her husband and two sons.

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